It's 10:30 pm on a Wednesday night. James and Taylor are snoring - James fell asleep before Taylor I think, but as he spent most of his day working or battling a grass fire, I guess that's understandable. My darling daughter fights sleep like it's an Olympic sport - and she would definitely get gold if it was - so she finally went down around 10. Some days she goes down peacefully around 7, other times it's a battle until 10. Or like tonight, I cry uncle around 7 and she gets to stay up and watch a little TV with mom and dad.
Unless it's just me and her. (Which it is at least every 3 nights, thanks to James's work schedule.) Then I usually pull out my Kindle and settle in for the long haul of cuddles and feeding and trying to get her to just relax and sleep.
All this to say that I'm just trying to survive over here. Motherhood is amazing and exhausting. Trying to be a work-at-home mom is crazy making. Some days are better than others. Days when I have help (James is home, my mom comes up, James's grandma comes by) are easier. But I still find myself behind in client work, woefully behind in keeping up with my own business goals, and forget about housework. We're doing good to even see the couch underneath all the laundry (but at least it's clean laundry).
There are times when I wonder how in the world I'll ever catch up with anything. I worry about paying bills, buying Christmas presents, getting ahead in taxes (self-employment taxes are the worst)...and I know I'll never make up all the sleep I've lost over the past seven months.
But then Taylor smiles at me. Or laughs. Or hugs me. Or stands up and looks at me so proud of herself. Or basically does anything.
And I remember that it is all worth it. All the lost sleep. All the poop explosions (so many). All the crying. All the worrying.
It's a struggle. And some days are better than others. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even if that means I occasionally leave an almost entire pan of home cooked lasagna out overnight because sleep deprivation is real. (I might have cried over that lasagna. It took forever to make, and I covered it up with foil to save it for later in the week - and then left it sitting on the stove top because I forgot to put it in the fridge.)
Basically this is me just stopping by to say that I'm around. Trying to make it through each day. I may be back occasionally but I can't commit to anything. I'm writing this on my iPhone in the bath. Because I refuse to give up my nightly baths, even if I have to take them after 10 pm. They keep me sane.
This post may make absolutely no sense, but hey, at least it's an update. There is a lot I want to share. How cloth diapers are going. How Taylor ended up being a baby model in a photo shoot. Her baptism. The books I've been reading lately. How I'm about to turn 31. Maybe I'll get around to it. But right now Taylor is wiggling around, so I need to see if she's just restless or waking up.